mercys portion

Charity: An Act of the Will of the Heart

2006-08-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

The silence of a teenager can be confusing especially when his face doesn't look too happy. In the meager experimentation of being a concerned, constructive, useful and loving parent, some situations in life just leave a person dumb founded. Just when you think you know a person, some quirky thing happens and your just left wondering why a situation happened at all.

My husband and i have always tried to come up with new constructive ways to challenge our children in ways of taking ownership for their actions. The personality of the child comes to mind when analyzing how the child can learn and apply what is being taught to him or her. Is he a book learner, or a hands on learner; does he or she have a shy personality or love to be around people.....etc. Writing sentences for one child may rid one of the aspirations of picking on ones siblings; while taking over a teasing victims chores for the day, may be a useful and charitable way to help the more active member of the family to work through his or her actions of hurting another sibling.

My son, had just came off a teasing spree of his sisters and some of them took it very personally and were very hurt by his actions. When explaining this to him instead of jumping to his own defense, he sat quietly with a quirky look on his face. Then somberly he went into his room. After praying, i felt the need to go and talk with him..so i gently knocked at his door and over heard him mumbling. As i opened the door the words of self condemnation were flying out of his mouth as he was knelt in prayer. i asked if i could come in and he allowed me the privilege to talk with him and to listen to his troubles.

When he realized how bad he had hurt his sisters and how their self perception was influenced by the things he teased them about, he realized just how bad his words destroyed their attitudes about themselves. He was having trouble asking for forgiveness from God because he had trouble forgiving himself. His sisters had already forgiven him, but he said he knew they would, but couldn't understand why. After time he was beginning to show signs of a negative attitude towards himself.

i couldn't understand how he could be so hard on himself? i prayed and asked for guidance....be careful about what you pray for...God showed me where my son had learned this behavior....it was me who taught my son all about that!?!

Being a post abortive woman, it took me a long time to accept Jesus' forgiveness and even longer to forgive myself for my abortion and all the experiences associated with it. i was always quick to blame myself for things because i hadn't forgiven myself for the abortion. The side effects from the abortion experiences left me cold and indifferent to myself whenever i made a mistake in life. i loved Jesus, i just couldn't understand why He forgave me. Charity starts within ones heart and i wasn't very charitable and didn't allow myself to really accept God's offer of forgiveness and put my own anger above His healing of me, for what i thought was an unforgivable sin. When i thought i was healed of the abortion, i really wasn't because apparently i was teaching my son how to be hard and unforgiving to oneself when a mistake had been made. It's the cold factor that hides in the heart keeping a person numb, too afraid to let go of what is comfortable.

In Matthew 18:15-20 "Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven." (Matt 18:18) Jesus instructs us on how to make amends with each other and the ramifications of unforgiving and forgiveness. Reassuring us of His presence when two or more are gathered in His name and how merciful and generous our Heavenly Father is when two or more are in an agreement on something.

Jesus, Great and Merciful Lord help me to be open to your mercy and forgiveness by forgiving myself of sins you have already forgiven me of. Please teach my heart to be more merciful and charitable like yours! How can i be a living witness to your Divine Mercy if i can't follow your lead and be merciful to others including myself? Help me to understand that being charitable means accepting the gift of forgiveness and living out that gift of your mercy in all my actions towards others. If i reject your love, then love can't grow in me and only destruction will be bound within my heart, which directs all actions. Let me loosen the chains of unforgiveness and begin a new life full of love and charity in my thoughts, words and actions. Please forgive me for being a bad example of charity towards neighbor and oneself. Help me to be open and dependent on your love and to not be too prideful, but to be humble in accepting everything that comes from you; even the charitable grace of your forgiveness and mercy.

What act of forgiveness can i show out of love and mercy for giving me your Divine Mercy? i will consecrate myself and entire family to your will and strive to be obedient to it. Not my will but yours be done.

Words of Our Lord to St. Faustina-disciple of mercy: "Man kind will not have peace until it turns with trust to My mercy...My heart rejoices in this title of Mercy(Diary: Notebook I parts of Entry 300)"Proclaim that mercy is the greatest attribute of God. All the works of My hands are crowned with mercy." (Diary: Notebook I Entry 301)

Bible quotes taken from: The Holy Bible, RSV, Catholic Edition, Ignatius Press
Divine Mercy Quotes taken from: Diary: Divine Mercy in My soul by St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, Published by: Marians of the Immaculate Conception

Lemon Drops and a Missionary Spirit!

2006-08-15T03:47:00.000-07:00

In noticing the emotional eating patterns of my seven year old, i've noticed she lives life to the fullest! My daughter when happy it's lemon drops, popsicles, natural cherry juice, and ice cream with chocolate candy sprinkles; that is the menu of choice! Cookies and milk, frozen yogurt, or a sucker are her entree choices while going through her bad moods. Even though she asks for these things, she rarely consumes them! She has sensitive teeth! So determined after her last dental visit to avoid further anguish on both parties, i have found myself consumed with meal planning around her dental health! It's not fear of the dental bill that has caused this daily preoccupation with sugar free meal planning, it's the thought of her having to go through the pain i've experienced through dental procedures!!!!

Have you ever been so determined to do something that all your concentration, all your thoughts, and waking moments have been consumed with getting this one thing accomplished? Or how about the first time you fell in love! That person is on your mind constantly. You find yourself always talking about that person, giving examples to other people how your beloved thinks this way or how he/she acts? We are so consumed with every facet of our beloved"s lives that we incorporate this person to every facet of our lives, even our conversations with everyone else!

When i think back to when i first met my husband, all i could do was talk about him...my poor friends, no matter what topic came up, he always had something to do with it..."how did the dentist appointment go?" "Okay...ya know...Pablo says he hates going to the dentist..."What stocks have you invested in....i'm not sure what my employer is investing for me...Pablo's stock is up and he's being more conservative with his money..." "Where do you take your dog to the vet?"...."Oh the one just outside of town, but Pablo he can't stand dogs....." etc., etc....

It doesn't matter...Love can lead us to have a one-tracked mind! Love of a person or a project or a mission...if its our passion, it can consume us! How my friends must have suffered in those early years! They probably missed the normal communications we had before i met my husband!

If we look to scripture, in the passage of Luke 1:39-56 Mary sets out to visit and help her cousin Elizabeth who was pregnant. Mother Mary was of a missionary spirit! She brought Jesus to Elizabeth by visiting and helping her cousin during a difficult time in her cousins life. Both women of God so in tune with their "yes" to God in their lives could not help but Praise God for His beauty, generosity and love! Both women so humble in their divine praises: Elizabeth in recognizing our Lord within Mary and being so grateful and astonished by Mary's presence in her time of need, "And why is this granted me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?" (Luke 1:43) and Mary with all the eloquence of one so in love with her beloved responds, "My soul magnifies the Lord and rejoices in God my savior,"(Luke 1:47) These two women so "In-Love" with God they couldn't speak of anyone else! Their lives from the beginning of their yes to God, by their yes to life, a motherly life offered to them by God, was a love that consumed them! Their life was spent in humble dedicated service of raising their sons obediently by Gods direction! A motherhood of missionary service!

Mother Mary never lost sight of her humble mission to bring the "Christ" into the world! She also shows us that despite our circumstances we can let our Love for God and His mission, to direct how we can be available to help God in His plan for redemption! Mary by her yes to God made her a young, single mother! She became one with her "Yes" to God and became one with her Savior! By her passion she made her project of Love a gift to the human race! God took care of everything in her life, even the difficulties that came with her "yes" to God! Another example of His ever present Divine Mercy!

What "yes" will i do today that will consume me? Will it be one that will take my mind off of God and Jesus and that will only fill an interior need? Or will i choose constantly to say "yes" to what God is offering me, a life of obedience to His perfect love, by asking what God will have me do for others? Does my yes come from a missionary spirit?

Will my "yes" reflect a love worth dying for as Jesus died for me? Does my yes reflect a forgiving nature, predisposed to generosity of the will and heart? Does my yes allow my soul to "magnify the Lord"?

Jesus, you gave us the gift of your Mother, the first living tabernacle, the first missionary that brought you to the world; please help me to magnify your Divine Mercy as she did, by being humble enough to allow you to live in her! Please give me an open heart for you to live in! It is from the arms of the one called "Blessed among women" where you were cradled and felt human love; please, give me the courage to accept your will for my life and in deep humility give me the ability to cradle your Divine Merciful Love and forgiveness, found in your living witnesses of truth, that you have placed here on earth, in my life today. Jesus, I trust in You!

Words of Our Lord to St. Faustina, disciple of His Divine Mercy: "I perform works of mercy in every soul. The greater the sinner, the greater the right he has to My mercy. My mercy is confirmed in every work of my hands. He who trusts in My mercy will not perish, for all his affairs are Mine..." Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul, St. Maria Faustina Kowalska, Notebook II, (second half of Entry 723).

Biblical References come from The Holy Bible, Revised Standard Edition, Catholic Edition, Ignatius Press.

Mercies can be as loud as ice "plunking" in the ice bucket!

2006-08-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

While getting ready for the day i noticed how routine the morning ritual can be...walking to the coffee maker, preparing the filter, measuring the grounds....making the toast etc. Its the uncommon that breaks the monotony of a habitual routine: an unfamiliar bird chirp, the muffled "plunk" of ice dropping into the ice bucket in the freezer or the change in room temperature when autumn creeps upon the early mornings. i love those moment breakers!!!!!!! First off, these moment breakers in the morning help me to wake up! Secondly, it helps me to take notice of the here and now..the present moment!

To be alive is a wonderful thing! How to maintain it can be the more difficult of the tasks. Ever since i said "I do" my life has changed and i keep finding my self saying "I do" in different versions: The way i get ready in the morning-Preparing meals, teaching, running errands, taking the kids to their activities, work-out of home jobs, LAUNDRY etc.. ...As life is being maintained and lived where's the muffled "plunk" of ice dropping in the bucket to break the routine?

It's the witness of Christ by others around me that help me to stop and remind me Who i should thank for allowing me to live out my " I do's" and who created them. For example: My husband leaving to go to work, despite how tired he felt, to provide for the family; to the woman with 10 children who took the only few minutes of spare time in her day to call a friend in the hospital ministering through her kind words.

Jesus Mercy is so ongoing! In Matthew 17:22-27 Jesus predicts His death and then provides a way for Peter to pay the temple tax by having him reach into a fish and grabbing the shekel. He tells of the rejection and then lets life show in example form of the denial..in this case Him & Peter being foreigners in the temple being made to pay the tax, and then giving the example of His generosity through His mercy providing for the tax (the) means to pay the temple tax. Jesus in His Mercy gives us these examples through scripture and by other people witnessed living their" I-do's" in a ordinary way, everyday.

The rejection: I don't always appreciate every morning my husband waking up despite exhaustion to go to work for our family. The shekel in the fishes mouth is the smile and hug he gives me when he says, "have a good day" and offers a prayer for me...the one that stays at home.....

The rejection: the woman with 10 kids has not been offered help or a break. The coin: she takes her only few minutes of spare time to herself to call and check in on a person in the hospital, ministering with kind words.

These silent Mercies that provide for a tangible witness to Christ in the midths of life- living are just as loud as the ice falling into the ice bucket early in the morning, breaking the silence of the morning routine!

In today Lord, i hope that my actions will give meaning to your life lived in the obedience of what needed to be done (temple tax), my daily duties done in love and gratefulness, and as Peter found the shekel to pay, may the gift of yourself-the Eucharist, that lives in me, be found in a way i can reject my selfishness by doing something good for others, so your Mercy may be made known.

Quote From St. Faustina-the desciple of mercy: "Be adored, O Most Holy Trinity, now and for all time. Be adored in all Your works and all your creatures....." Notebook1(1st part of quote in entry 5) Today, may you be blessed with wonderful distractions of God's Mercy around you, appearing as loud as the ice "plunking" into the ice box in the freezer!

Morning Coffee, the Son, pretty pictures and His Mercy

2006-03-20T05:13:00.000-08:00

The long road traveled. During lent Christians bond together by fasting and or contemplating our Lords passion. This lent we have been doing the same. In the course of this journey the Son has glistened making these sacrifices more bearable.

My children and my husband and i have all given up things. It's funny how i have noticed my Lenten promises or sacrifices that i thought was something i could conquer actually is a battle of my will. For instance, one being is to give up my morning coffee and blank mind morning time, to use the time in reading and contemplation. Its a struggle for me, especially to get my mind up to pace with my actions...like waking up. i want to so much to give more time in my day in getting to know Christ, my best friend. i'll keep trying in the morning, but i'll weave more time in the day to learn His words. i love this lent preparation for Easter because God has shown me through other struggles how to endure if only for the sake of love.

When i see my children struggle to keep their Lenten commitments, one of them being, giving up video games and do something to bring them closer to God, i'm amazed at how well they do it! Let's see, i've had more conversations with my children, gotten more pretty pictures drawn, and we've sat down and have read books together! i didn't know how fun the sacrifice could be! Sometimes, it's hard to do the sacrifice but when the Holy Spirit opens my eyes and i'm open to receive it, the result of the sacrifice as it is happening is so beautiful like God's love and Mercy, it can be overwhelming; like when i realized how much my husband really did love me...It was like a really great unexplainable present!

This Lent i will rejoice in this verse...Hebrews 13:5-6.."Keep yourselves free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, "I will never leave you or forsake you." So we can say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can anyone do to me?"

Of course in lent i try to focus on tithing more...Sacrificing the money i do have, i really like that part..but even more comforting is the constant promise of never leaving me..He is my helper and it is He who my heart desires and it is the Lord whom i will give with gratitude all the little sacrifices this lent. i'm so thankful for His constant love & mercy that He gives constantly even when struggles come up in life, even the self imposed struggles or even the ones that just seem to happen. His Mercies always glisten more than the rays of the sun!

The swirled dust meant she cleaned her very best with her little hands...My Friend showed where i had forgotten to dust!

2006-02-21T03:21:00.000-08:00

A new day in light of His Mercy! i love today! From the moment i woke up Jesus has been constantly showing me through gentle instances in my life how i need to "decrease and He must increase"! Cool! Sometimes i get caught up in the wonderful feeling of me having control of the bills, the cleaning, the cooking, the teaching of the children, that i must have an answer for everything! He was there speaking to my heart telling me how much i was playing god by not allowing Him to show me how He wanted the bills to be paid, how the cleaning can be more productive and shine for His Glory, How the food can taste of His goodness, how He wants the children to be taught.... & how He wants friendships to be full of His love, not full of emotional tendencies that seek its own uniqueness, in the self- absorbed notion of me putting me, into it! Confusing? Yes?

i really don't like greeting cards that tell the recipient how they are directly, and forcefully, or how they should feel...Or that always say the words me, or i in them. Why? Because i want the gift to inspire the love of the other person, to show appreciation of the other person and their life...not showcase my emotions....."He must increase, i must decrease". And so , i was shown that my dinner planning wasn't about what was best for my children and my husband, but what suited what i wanted to cook that day. Also, the cleaning was done in such a way that it always fit in my time frame and the way i want it to be, not recognizing the best effort of the way my younger child did it with such happiness, because she was given the responsibility to do it...i complimented her and tried to make her feel good about her work, but i later got annoyed because it wasn't as perfect as the way i wanted it to be. i needed to be happy and rejoice that i was able to serve her by letting her help out the best way she could and be happy with that.

Yesterday, i had this sobering experience of finding out that what i secretly like and what i think is really cool isn't so cool to other people! No matter how spiritually enriching i felt it was to me, it wasn't to others....And that's just the problem.....me. Too centered on what i was diggin' and not seeing what everybody else was saying.. So, in prayer, i asked Jesus, "Am i always like this? How do i do this at home when you are with me?"

In His sweet merciful way he was showing me the opportunities where i failed to be charitable in the work He has given me to do. There was no charity because to be charitable you have to be humble. I wasn't humble when i planned dinner, i wasn't humble when i organized the cleaning and responded to the result, and i wasn't humble when a friend pointed out something from a different perspective than what i had been doing and thinking. i took to heart a different point of view. Why? Because, i wasn't humble enough to look objectively at what was being offered to me from Christ through others.

Jesus in prayer today showed me that sometimes different points of view are good because we can be too self centered to see anything else; like i have been. If i'm too focused on what i believe to be true and not letting His truth live and work within me, then, He can't increase in the world. Which is what i want right? So, the Mercy of God was present in the details yesterday of others differering opinion! Thank goodness! Because, through those differences i was able to cling to God in prayer and He was able to show me where He wants to be in the details of my life...The cooking, the cleaning, the bills, the teaching and in the relationships with my friends..It's all about love and charity. i couldn't be charitable because i was focusing too much on myself and what i felt was good, that His real goodness couldn't direct my actions and emotions for the day!

In Mark 9:30-37 Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all, and the servant of all!" Boy..Did i miss the mark...No pun intended!!!! Jesus, help me to live this statement in all humility and never let me forget that serving you in all and in everything is what makes me happy! To remember that when i follow me and my ideas, i am a wanderer, and my actions can be useless and can't help others the way you want them to be helped! i need you to be my Guide in all things i do, think and say. To see that your Divine Mercy can come in ways that may make me uncomfortable because i need to see where i may have failed you again. Help me to be so consumed with great love for your work, that its your love that inspires me to give love in return, in the tasks i am performing; so your love and Mercy will be known, not me, just you alone. Keep me busy with the task of serving and form me into a humble servant who loves to be obedient while serving! Amen!

Peace is the gift of Trust, Trust is the gift of His Mercy

2006-02-06T03:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i just want to have some quiet time for myself. Time to be able to relax and be at peace from my duties for the day....Remembering when i was a child and not having the grown up responsibilities of paying bills, providing for others futures....Just having time to be. To get lost in time by not counting it. To be so engrossed in a happy, all contented time frame of what i'm doing at that moment, that nothing of the day plagues my mind except for the joy of what i'm doing at that exact moment. To be happy to be doing nothing, just enjoying the enjoyment of just being here for the day...........Is it ever possible to feel that way as an adult? To feel that way without escaping from something, without having something external change our mood?

While in church yesterday my daughter kept hugging me really tight. She'd play with my hair, whisper in my ear, try and tickle my chin, and so on.....i kept thinking to myself....."Oh..How do i get her to pay attention to the prayers and get her to realize the presence of the Holy Spirit".....Then it occurred to me...She was experiencing total happiness of God's presence....She didn't have one complaint; she wasn't upset, she was just so happy and contented being there and she was trying to show her love for me...Trying to share what she felt from our Lord...The true happiness in His presence..She wanted to share it. It's almost like she is so overjoyed she can't wait to share it with others....Isn't that like when we first realize how much God loves us when He's forgiven us of a horrible sin. We are so overjoyed of His forgiveness and Mercy, we can't wait to share it with everyone else! Then i felt as if God was showing me something through my daughter's joy....... She just couldn't wait to tell me she loved me and hugged me and wanted my complete attention...Such is the way of our Lord! He goes out of His way to get our attention..He died for us..He conquered death and came back to tell us and to invite us to follow Him and to reassure us that we'd see Him again. He keeps track on us because He wants to show us His love...All the time...Just like my daughter was trying to tell me during mass.

In Mark 6: 53-56 Jesus goes across the sea to reach and minister to those in need. Attending to them and curing the sick they brought to Him. Jesus reaches through us sometimes across the seas in our own lives. When i was dealing with the after effects of my abortion, i was so caught up in my depression of the realization of how i would never know my baby because of my own action of denying its right to live, that it was hard for me to bring my sick self to Jesus for Him to heal me. Jesus reached across the sea of my guilt and came to me not on my own behalf but because he tied His boat on the shore of my Calvary.....The prayers of others whom i didn't know, strangers, other Christians praying for the woman who had an abortion, were the people who brought sick me on my mat to be cured. Never underestimate the power of prayer and Jesus' ability to care for the sick and needy. Jesus' saw me and out of love for me and others He showed me His healing Love, His Mercy and Mercy to the others who brought me in prayer, who recognized the Man who had the healing powers.

In Jesus' Divine Mercy he heals not only the sick, but in Love and Mercy answers the deepest heartfelt prayers of the others who have the trust in Him.....He loves to give them what they ask because He knows they don't ask for themselves but for the love of others. That's the powerfulness of grace obtained because of Humility and a heart born in love and absolute Gospel charity. Please, if anyone happens to see someone praying for someone else, don't become alarmed but thank God that Gospel Charity is being lived on the earth at that moment.

In Mark 6:56 "Whatever villages or towns or countryside he entered, they laid the sick in marketplaces and begged him that they might touch only the tassel on his cloak; and as many as touched it were healed." Its that faith that the others knew that He would heal all who asked. Its that trust. In the mistrust of my self because of my sin, i couldn't trust that Jesus could forgive what i thought was an unforgivable sin. Jesus didn't ask what the sin of all these people were...He knew them.....But He saw their need, He reached out to them and answered their searching for the healing. If i can only learn that in my busiest part of my days that i need to look for His tassel to touch, then for that day i will be made whole!

As an adult i look for ultimate peace...Where can i go to find that peace and happiness that i described i had when i was a child...i find it in my time alone with Christ. Hearing and reading his word, praying and accepting His love for me, even though i don't understand it...To make my self like a little child knowing He will provide and take care of me & others , and to have the comfort that the Trust in Him is part of His gift and promise to me of everlasting love and life! To be so humble to know that i can't heal myself, but He can... By acting in trust reaching for His tassel (His word) by believing His word...To partake of Him in Holy Communion, to know He has established His Church to be His presence in the world; what more do i need to persuade me to trust? Yes, that freedom of peace and happiness comes from the Humility of Trust that He cares and loves for me and He's the only one who can forgive me and make my life complete, because He loves me and died for me. Yes, that peace and Joy is there for the asking in prayer...At Holy Communion, in the presence of Our Lord and at home in prayer and in His word.

St. Faustina describes to us in her Diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul a conversation Jesus has with a sinful soul-..Entry 1485-Notebook V: "Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul.....

Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift your soul to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My heart.

Soul: Lord, I hear your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.

Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle.

Soul: Lord, I recognize your holiness, and I fear You.

Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold, for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth-the tabernacle-and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue or guards. You can come to me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire world. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed myself to be nailed to the cross; for you I let my Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come, then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to me all your troubles and grief's. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace."

These words as recorded by Saint Faustina gave me hope in Jesus' words because i was such a doubting soul! This recording of Jesus words happened in the 1900's. When i was just a baby..Spiritually speaking...i could read the bible but always said, "but what about today?" These quotes recorded by St. Faustina only backs up scripture and when reading Mark 6:53-56, i can see how much Jesus wants to give those who believe and who just don't know how to and who just doubt.

Where is my peace from everyday life....It's in union with our Lord, in the silent of my heart which is joined to His heart because he has placed every single one of us there. There i know i can give Him my troubles and joys and know that He delights when i do that and that He actually wants to hear it....i am so thankful for Gods word made known to us through the bible writers and i'm so thankful to Saint Faustina for writing our Lord's words down so those of us who doubt can find peace and courage to take the time out of our day to give everything to Jesus for the day..and knowing that He's waiting anxiously for His alone time with us. There's my peace and my joy....i think today i will show my little daughter God's love and mercy by spending time with her..getting her attention...reading her favorite book to her...sharing my joy of the Lord with her!

Thank You Jesus for this day to share your love with others. Thank you for giving us another day to live in the light of your love and give me the courage to proclaim your love to everyone i meet today! Your love and sacrifice is enough for me...May my small sacrifices & prayers bring another sick person on a stretcher to you for you to heal..i know you will heal because you have done so for me as sinful as i am. I love you for your Mercy..the cross, the resurrection, the way to true happiness in the shadow of your self sacrificing love! Amen! SJN

Whats in that little piece of bread?

2006-02-03T17:31:00.000-08:00

There's days i ask for my martyrdom. i think i can pick it...but the Lord has already chosen it for me....when will i have the eyes of complete faith and trust? i hear God 's word coming from the pages of the bible, through our priests,and i receive him in holy communion, & i go to confession, but why am i like king Herod when he heard John the Baptist preaching and knew something needed to change in his life, but he didn't change it. Well, i've got to learn that trust is the biggest conduit to connect me to Christ directly. To experience His mercy with full grace i need to trust. This issue is one that i try and work on everyday...Jesus i trust you will help me love like i should love...and be patient like i should be patient. i do tend to get worried that something won't happen because i don't know the direct outcome of the situation....if i had faith it wouldn't matter the outcome because i would be content with whatever would come my way because Jesus is right beside me.

My little girl said once about Jesus.."i want Him here..So i can see him!" Sometimes i feel like her. Yes, we have our Lords presence in the Eucharist...Jesus fully here with us on earth. The Eucharist...Our complete oneness with Christ..Jesus is so humble he comes to us as little He can be to live in our hearts...This is the ultimate trust..to understand the Eucharist is our Lords flesh. Well, i can understand why its hard to understand, look at the followers of Christ in the bible...when he talked about it they all walked away from him except the twelve.

One time on a past Fathers day...At communion..Our Lord talked to me within my heart and said, "Do you remember how you've always wanted to hold your baby and cuddle him? When you come to Holy Communion to receive me, you are having your family reunion with your son in me. I bring you together in my heart- in my love. I am the Alpha & the Omega, I am the family creator and the family completer; I keep the family together here in my heart. Your son and you are one in me because your son is with me. When your children and husband come to communion they are all in company with me and your son. You are all a family within me." Jesus is so wonderful... how the reception of Him unites us with the very essence of who we are in Gods light..His children, His family..which is our family..sinful me is welcomed and invited to stay and live with Him, in Him. He provides everything we need to live....Forgiveness..paying our debt, dying for us.... and He still comes to us to live in us!

He's so merciful that He comes first as a baby, then as a child, then as a carpenter-son of Mary & Joseph, poor, and then as our Lord and Master, then as the sacrificial lamb, then he comes to us in another small form..the Eucharist. He's working in the silence of our hearts. The loudness of my doubts and unbelief or insecurities or my sin, tries to silence Him- the Good working within my heart. Jesus oh how beautiful is your love and how secure i feel when i am with you-in the silence of my heart.

In His Mercy is where i find my self worth, knowing that this post abortive woman doesn't have to grieve alone because He has brought his forgiveness and love to me and allowed me to rest in his love and peace while he holds my abortive son, my family and i close to him within His heart through the Eucharist!

Jesus, St. Faustina called the Eucharist the Bread of the Strong. Make my heart strong in confidence in your love and give me the chance to have a sharing heart so all my come to know of your goodness and love. Give me a heart full of empathy for all who long to see you in the world. Let me be in union with what you want me to do today and everyday for the rest of my life. Let me always look forward for our alone time in the silence of our hearts unified in Holy Communion; where my beloved will always remain because He chose to love, and live and die for me and my family and for the world. Amen!

Evangelizing while doing the dishes or folding the laundry?

2006-01-30T06:48:00.000-08:00

J.M.J.
Thy Kingdom Come!

Today is a new day...a new day to open my heart to the wonders of Gods Mercy around me. To open my heart to let Jesus do with me as He wills. Hmmmmm......Lets see...taking care of my husband and the children...the dog....dometic chores, teaching, praying, trusting Him to work within my pride and vanity...i shall cling to His words of Mercy...in Mark 5: ....."Go home to your family and announce to them all that the Lord in his pity has done for you."

Sometimes i get caught up in my vocation of the moment of being the wife and friend, and mom that i forget to let my actions evangelize to my family. To be the reflection of Christ's love in the world. There's being busy with work and concentrating on the task at hand: making dinner,teaching, organizing the laundry..that i forget to let the love within my heart for Jesus and the love for the family shine through the work i'm actually doing. i just need to get done what has to be done, because i only have so many hours in the day to do it.

i'm thankful to the Lord for His generosity for this vocation within my family. From a post abortive point of view, i couldn't understand why Jesus would allow me to have any more children, because of what i did almost 19 years ago. To trust me with the responsibility of marriage and then children. Sometimes when i look back on my post abortion distress i can see where i was like the man with the unclean spirits in Mark Cahpter 5 vs.1-20. The self condemnation, mistrust of men, the church and of God would fill me with so much anxiety, that it was hard for me to concentrate on the joy of living everyday life. In these verses i can see Jesus' Mercy and love because he had pity on the man.

i believe out of great love Jesus had pity on me. In this gospel passage Jesus also instructs the man to go home and to announce to the family what the Lord in His pity has done for him. When i lovingly make the lunches, do the laundry and pray with my family, instructing them in the ways of Our Lord, and most of all with a thankful heart, verbally thanking Jesus and stating why i'm thankful....i find this is the easiest way to "tell my home what the Lord has done for me". The children haven't asked why i do it, they've just come to know it as something i do and have their own way of evangelizing to me!

It's neat to see how Jesus gives an assignment to this man in the bible who was just possesed. The man wanted to stay with Jesus. How many times in prayer did i not want to leave the comfort of the moment of being alone with our Lord, to go and do my assignemnt; go to home and evangelize. To live the present moment is to faithfully do what God is asking me to do in my state in life and to do it with the best of my ability because He asked me to do it...to do it for His love to be present in the world. Its hard to do sometimes! Especially when there's chaos in the car or in the store and the children are at their most active! It is then i try to remember that charity in my actions and words are what help keep me in control. i've definately not aquired the quick responsive thinking in those stressful moments to be more calm than my surroundings, but sometimes if i wear my Jesus necklace, or having a prayer card in my pocket reminds me to say, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" or "Thy Kingdom Come" or "All for the Holy Family"...then, i can quickly ask for Our Lords Pity and try and live in Gospel Charity. i can't wait to have the patience of a well trained saint so that i'm more willing to embrace those crosses than second guess what my response should be! Every instance in life i hope will be automatically a time for me to be thankful to Our Lord for letting me have the possibility to show love.

For years after the abortion i felt i could no longer show any sign of love...but by acknowleging that God can love me and forgive me and trusting and accepting His Mercy, He already has opens the door to a life filled with endless opportunities to Love and to show His love. To evangelize..even within my own family...which should be done any way...especially in Mark 5:19. It's in the trying that i can accomplish the task of sharing His Love with someone today. Drawing on the graces received through Christ when i've accepted Him into my heart, and through my Holy Communion of and with Him, allows for my union with Him to give the graces i need to live for His love and have His love present in the world. Sometimes at the reception of Holy Communion i don't want the time to end, being intimate with Christ. For so long He was not living within me, i was filled with the demonds that restrained me..the self condemnation, the unforgivenss of myself and others in my abortion experience. i've become like the man in Mark who wanted to follow and stay with our Lord, but my vocation now is to evangelize at home. Hmmm.... what was Jesus thinking when He asked me to do this..i just trust that he knows what he's doing and i keep trying and frankly, i love trying because love is fun, and love is when we meet His Mercy for us in every circumstance in life.

For me, when my son is making the girls perturbed by him picking on them, i sometimes quietly laugh, and then hug them first and then dialog with them instead of exchanging shouts. Its fun to hear the way they express themselves, because by their response i'll know how effective i've been in living the example of love to them. Its kind of like testing a theory and seeing where i need to perfect and tweak my experiment in the way love is shown through example. I've noticed that the children's learned behavior can be my best indicator if i've applied what i learned from Jesus correctly.

In St. Faustina's diary Our Lord stated to her , ".....My delight is to act in a human soul and fill it with My mercy and to justify it. My kingdom on earth is My life in the human soul..... " Entry 1784 Notebook VI
Our Lord wants to act within us, it gives Him pleasure. In the prayer "The Our Father" which Jesus himself taught us...Thy Kingdom Come, Thy will be done.....we are allowing ourselves to let the Triune God to live in us, so His kingdom will regin on this earth. If we allow Him into our hearts, and live in His love by being obedient to what He asking us to do in our state in life, and by expressing love while we are doing it, this is grace alive in us....Jesus' life in the human soul. We must take Jesus at His word...and why not? He's never lied to us; He loves us and when we are suffering or plagued with distractions He takes pity on us and is happy to take control of the situation for us, because it gives Him pleasure to help us. Remembering the words of our Lord in stressful circumstances helps me to remember He's wants to be alive in sinful me and wants to help me conquer my tendancies that lead me to sin and wants me to trust in His forgivenes and mercy! Isn't that so cool...so even in my mistakes, He can't wait to work in me to show love to me and to the world through my actions, especially at home! How cool is that? It gives Him pleasure to be invited to work within sinful me! What a Prince Charming!!!! Still loves to be with me, enfusing His love within me, in the secrecy of my heart and soul! Cool! He's intimate and most efficient in sharing His love with me and with others, all while establishing His kingdom on earth! Only sheer perfection can do all that and He is just that; Sheer, Beautiful, Everlasting Perfection....Pefect Love!

Thank you Jesus for your new mercies every second of everyday! Thank you for dying for my sins and for loving me so much that it gives you pleasure to live in me to help me be worthy to be called a child of yours, a member of your Kingdom! Thank you for giving me the chance to evangelize to the people you've placed in my home and in my care...May i never doubt your love for me and the task of furthering your kingdom by what ever duties you are asking me to do at home! Give me your grace and your love. Come live in my heart and let me be satisfied with you and your love and your will for my life! I love you because you loved me first and died for me!
sjn

Mercy for the person in the back pew

2006-01-29T02:39:00.000-08:00

First Blog...............to J.M.J.

Something interesting happened a week ago. Last week marked the anniversary of Roe. vs. Wade. Its a busy time of year...Marches going on, traveling to and from memorials and the memories of what happened seems to be more prevelant this time of year......My son would of been 18 years old had he been born. That Sunday Jan. 22nd, our pastor said something that changed my family's lives forever. i guess it could of aroused some heated discussion among anyone who feels passionately about the abortion issue, whether you're pro-choice or pro-life.

Fr. discussed about the after effects of an abortion and that some women wanted him to talk about it. So he did. He talked about how the unborn is a person, while he so eloquently inclueded how important the mother of the child is, esecially after having the abortion. Why was this so important? Because this was a public validation of post abortion suffering within the church. There have only been two other priests in my brief lifetime, that i've heard on Sunday preaching about this topic; not just on the baby, but on people or society in general, or in this case, on the women and men who chose to actually go through with aborting their child. There's many other priests who speak on this topic at other forums, put this was on Sunday...the main worship day for Christians. It's a day to celebrate Our Lord and come toether and worship as a community and he talked on this issue. My heart was overwhelmed, yet was at peace and felt secure that my church whom i've grown up in, was now telling my other family members in Christ how much Jesus loved those of us who had an abortion. By him talking about this issue, validated what some of us post abortive people already knew...that Jesus wants everyone to know just how much abortion does affect other people and how beautiful life is starting from conception, and how the other victims of abortion, the survivor parent, can be in distress and needs to be attended to and needs to be loved. He also pointed out how we can help prevent more victims of the tragedy of abortion. This was not an acuusatory sermon but one that identifies a problem that has infected our society and a loving response on how to help heal those who are hurting from abortion.

If i could of heard this type of sermon early on in my post abortion distress, it would of made a difference in my church attendance and given me a reason to hope like never before. The hope that i may actually be able to sit in the pew knowing Jesus still loves me and knows that i'm suffering and understand why. At that time in my life, you could of said this, but in my mind i was the worst, because i chose not to allow my child to be born. For me, i needed to know & hear specifically that the sin of abortion was a sin that God recognized as a forgiveable sin, assuming i was sorry for doing it. i certainly was sorry and regretted it terribly. It also would of given me hope that the church recognized how we its members all are individually responsible for supporting life in some way.

Instead early on, i never felt worthy to sit in church and never was welcomed to come back and i hid and watched all the other "church family" stay close together talking afterwards, never noticing the more shy, and unsure person who came seeking Christ...by their presence. i was the one who didn't feel like i should be in a place where i was told i was going to hell if i had an abortion. The one single time i heard the afforementioned statement in a sermon, i ran out of the church. All of these influences confirmed in my mind that God had given up on me and that the "church" was for the select few.

The gift of humility is a wonderful thing, it helps us see the greatness of others more clearly. When i could finally stop condeming myself for killing my unborn baby, i was able to see the charity of a smile, or the warmth of the nod of the head that implied a friendly hello but that didn't want to be intrusive to an unfamilar face. It was these actions combined with a more bold action of my boyfiend who always invited me to church with him, that made me want to go and endure the sermons. After that one time as previously stated, i've never heard another priest say that people who have an abortion was going to hell. So with all do respect, God in His Mercy, was and continues to manifest Himself through His Church and His priests, Pope Benedict the XVIth, and especially Pope John Paul II.

Pope John Paul II inspired so many people and especially the priests who i've come to know. It was his living example of : to live "Christ" is to live "Love" and to live this way is to die for "Love", to die for Christ and for others. It is the humbleness of living for others so they may come to know and love Love, that love for Christ takes on its ultimate Charity...love for others as God loves us. It all starts with humility and Pope John Paul II was the difinative role model for all of us with in the church, to how to serve Our Lord and to Serve People.

In humility, i had to let go of condeming myself to be able to see the Christ within others in the Church. Its in humility, i had to stop condeming church because one priest who didn't know of me or how i had asked for forgiveness from our Lord, had condemned me. It is in humility i had to stop being so unforgiving of myself and that through the weakness of myself and the church, Christ was guiding me to His sole perfection. It is in humility i had to forgive that priest even though he didn't know he hurt me during that self-condeming stage in my life. It was in humility i had to let go and let God be God and let Him work in my soul. It was then, when being stripped of my pride of me being jugemental of my self and others out of hurt & despair, i could see the Mercy of God all around me.

So, last week, Fr. through his sermon and public witness was in away saying what i wished i could of expressed when i was suffering and was a ball of inner conflict about my abortion experience. i wanted people to know that i was out there and there were others like me. i knew how i got there and how others had helped me to get there and i wished i could let them know that afterwards, life does go on, but in a more different way. Abortion killed my child, my personal respect and created an absence of another christan for the Kingdom. i knew Jesus was aware of this and i wanted Him to let someone know so they knew what was going on in the world because life just keeps on being busy.

If i had to describe it in an image....Jesus is holding the one lamb, injured..and the lamb is nesling next to Our Lord, exhausted and resting in His arms, feeling secrue and protected and behind Our Lord is a large group of sheep all huddling near our Lord, clinging close to Him, looking very secure. Standing next to Him is a sheperd and Jesus is pointing out what's wrong with the lamb and is showing the sheperd how to care for it. Fr. in a loving way was expressing how Jesus was taking care of us who suffered from the abortion trama-the survivors.

Its kind of like when you have this big family and the family as a whole starts doing something that really hurts a sibling, the parents and siblings see the one member hurt and sad and their first incling is to make that person happy and forget their problem; because they love the hurt individual. Meanwhile the situation that made that person hurt keeps occuring. Everyone else keeps doing this action not realizing its that action that's making the sibling more sad and hurt and sickly. The parent steps back and sees this vicious circle and stand in the corner to get everone's attention, and say's, "okay listen up...there's something wrong here we need to address...we need to take care of it because this trama is affecting more and more of us...we've got to examine this and see if we can't help all of us who are being hit by this ailment. We are introducing something here that's making more of us sick..... We need to identify the cause of this disease and prevent it from going on any further so we may all be well."

Jesus tells how He loves us through different ways: First through His ultimate gift of His life and resurrection, through the infusing of His Holy Spirit into our being, Communion- with us & in us, and forgiving our sins. He also manifests Himself through the goodness of Charity....Gospel Charity..kind actions, all done out of love for love sake, the humble actions that require some type of sacrifice by the doer: sacrifice of time, patience, attentiveness, money, food, clothes, shelter, a hug or a pat on the back, and kind words. Jesus showed us His love through His word....the Bible, but also through action...dying for us..So many people die everyday for others... providing for a family, sharing of their time talent or treasure all for those who are distressed in life...speaking kind words to uplift a mood...in these selfless acts we see the love of Our Lord shine through-because He is the one who showed us first how to stop hurting each other and love. He's the one who stepped back and made us look at our lives and pointed out the sickness of our sins and lovingly showed us how to take care of the situation through love alone. This is what happened on that Sunday......Now...the sheperd has identified this illness that has infected and disabled the flock. Hopefully the Kingdom can work together to help heal and make stronger the family of Christ.

Thank you Lord for your abundant Mercy so prevelant in the world today through the witness of others! May my heart be open enough to let you live in me, so you may be seen, always, because you are Love, the perfection of Living Love! Amen!